I’ve been quite reflective these past few days. I guess it’s because I’ve been going through my old journal entries.
Actually… What started the whole thing was the fact that I was experiencing a bubbling of anxiety that I wanted to get rid of. The reason for this anxiety? In the next few weeks I will have to face a person who causes me great psychological discomfort. (I’m sure someone out there has that one person or few people who causes the same feeling). That feeling I’m talking about is a kind of rage. A kind of feeling that makes you wanna throw up, too. But mostly throw or break something. (Hmmm….where am I going?) Oh, the journal entries. How I wanted to get to the bottom of this anxiety was to determine what’s making me feel the way I feel about this person. So to the books I went.
I started marking pages in my journals that mentioned or had stories or incidents about this person. And lemme tell you, it took a long time to go through it all. It was painful. It felt like it happened yesterday. And there was a lot!
Just from seeing the tabs alone, I got a visual of how much this person negatively affected me and during what time of my life I was affected most. The writing, too, showed the emotion I was in during those times. And during those times, I had words to express but didn’t rightfully release them. So now, trapped in my books, remnants trapped in my psyche, an anxiety resulted.
I thought maybe I could do what Lucy did in 50 First Dates and go through the pages with this other person, rip them out and burn them that way I would forget any of that stuff happened. (Hmmm…as I wrote that, I’m thinking that might not be such a bad idea). We’ll see how it goes…
Anyway, the point is…I don’t wanna feel this way about this person and I do want to build a stronger relationship with this person. This person has Goodness. I know it. I’ve seen it. But I’ve also seen much more of the Not-so-Goodness. And I vividly remember it, too. That’s why, in my case right now, it would be easier for me to Forgive if I forgot.
To my Readers who’ve experienced something similar: What worked for you to repair and rebuild that relationship? Lemme know.
Suddenly looking forward to an Epic Bonfire with some nice cold Brews,